The votes are in: Pastor Manning wins ‘Best Performance by a Crazy Preacher’

Westboro Baptist Church welcomes openly gay couple with a potluck supper

Okay not really, but it’s not much fun featuring a Westboro Baptist Church video on this site because no one loves negative publicity more than they do, so I had to think of something positive (they hate positive).

The title of this video is God Sent the Shooter. In the video, Pastor Fred Phelps (who loves dick, by the way… big time!) makes the case that God was behind all the recent shootings (Fort Hood, Virginia Tech, Columbine, etc.) because… you guessed it… God hates fags!

The video raises many interesting questions, not the least of which are:

1. What’s the name of that song in the background?

2. Will the pastor who pulled a gun on his son be able to call Pastor Phelps as a character witness during his trial?

3. What size dildo does Pastor Phelps prefer to shove up his keister?

They say a picture is worth a thousand words… (in this case, only one suffices)

“Born again” Jane Fonda attends pre-Grammy party

Jane Fonda, who announced in 2001 that she was a “born again Christian” shortly after divorcing Ted Turner, attended the pre-Grammy party held at the Beverly Hilton, last night.

Jane Fonda at the pre-Grammys

There’s nothing really noteworthy about her appearance, nor is she a “bad Christian” for attending, we just wanted to use the opportunity to remark on how old Ted Danson is starting to look these days! (Just look at that poor guy… she dumped multi-gazallionaire Ted Turner for him?) Jane, you’ve achieved “cougar” status… now go forth, and claim your uh, er… well…

… I guess the geriatric ”Ted Turner” isn’t so bad after all.

Okay, there is ONE negative thing we can say about Hanoi Jane since she has mellowed out and become a Christian: she’s not nearly as fun to hate as she used to be…

“You better start coming to church, son, or I’m gonna shoot you!”

Nothing says “Respect my pastoral authoritah!”  quite like a loaded handgun (at least that’s what Pastor Joe “Dirty Harry” Colquitt of the St. John Missionary Baptist Church in Alcoa, Tennessee seems to believe).

Joe "Dirty Harry" Colquitt

Evidently Pastor Callahan, er, Colquitt, was concerned about his son’s lack of church attendance (can’t imagine why he’d want to stay away!) and called him in for a meeting to discuss it. According to the 32-year-old son, Michael Louis Colquitt, when the conversation became a little testy, dad whipped out the handgun. In the police report, the son says dad, “pulled out a gun and loaded it … he pointed it at me numerous times … he also punched me in my face.”

We’ve heard “spare the rod, spoil the child…” but “spare the handgun…”?

The Pastor, on the other hand, insists he only pointed the gone toward the ceiling (we wonder how God felt about that?) and denied threatening his son’s wife and family, but said he told the 32-year-old that “because he cussed his father, God could kill his wife and family.” In case you’re wondering how the pastor knows this, please see the Book of Vengeance (Chapter 3, verses 9-10).

On the bright side, at least Michael Colquitt can take some comfort in knowing that his father cares so much for his spiritual well-being that he’s willing to put a bullet in his head to set him on the straight and narrow.

Thanks, dad!

For more from the Blount County Daily Times, click here.

Pastor Douchebag and the border patrol

Meet Pastor Steve Anderson, a guy who got his ass kicked relentlessly on the playground as a kid by a bully dressed as a border patrol agent. Anderson was so traumatized by his daily thrashings that today he can’t help but become belligerent and defensive when asked a few basic questions at border patrol check points.

Okay, first of all, I’m not a big fan of the “police state” environment that seems to be on the increase in our country, but I’ve been through similar checkpoints numerous times in south Texas and they are not manned by the Gestapo jackboots that Pastor Douche would have you believe. Typically the agents ask if you’re a U.S. citizen and sometimes where you’re headed… about a thirty second process. Time and again the courts have ruled that these types of check points are not “unconstitutional.”

Secondly, the line of cars waiting to pass through the checkpoint stacks up pretty fast, even with each car only being stopped for less than a minute. Pastor Douche stubbornly plays this game for over 27 minutes, so I can only imagine how long the line must have been by the time they finally waved him on. For that alone, he deserves to be promoted to High Priest of Douchedom.

Lastly, can someone please explain what his ultimate point was? We get that he has a complex from all those nasty beatings he took on the school playground, but come on! It has been said, however, that “the Lord moves in mysterious ways,” so perhaps this episode was a “divine appointment” to inspire Pastor Douche’s latest passion: poetry?

Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you… “Ode to Border Patrol,” by Pastor Steven Anderson!

Howard Stern making more sense than Kirk Cameron, Pt. 2 (and an idiot caller uses Pascal’s Wager)