Time for a cold shower…

By the way:  Is anyone… ever… truly… an “ex-masturbator”?

Really?

Girl… look  us up in a few years and tell us how THAT’S workin’ out for ya!

Lauren says it is bad for a man to "lie with mankind"... Agreed, especially if that man has the option to "lie" with you! Oooo... La, La!

Lauren Ashley? Don’t they sell, like, flowery sheets and stuff? OMG! Anyway, here’s what she had to say in a recent Fox News article:

“The Bible says that marriage is between a man and a woman. In Leviticus it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white,” said Ashley.

“I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone. If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

This question was posted as part of a sex series from Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Below the question was this descriptor: “This set of posts comes from Pastor Mark Driscoll and his wife Grace. The sermon series The Peasant Princess brought up dozens of questions that they felt they should respond to. The result is this blog series: Christian Sex: Frank Answers to Honest Questions.”

My favorite part of the response is as follows: “When you discuss the issue, it would be helpful for both of you to express why you do or don’t wish to participate in anal sex and then pray about it for a time if there is disagreement. Most people are either for or against it, and very few people are neutral.”

Make no mistake, we are NOT neutral…

And we can just imagine the husband’s prayer: “Please, God, let her say yes… let her say yes!”

Driscoll adds this sage advice: “Many wives are not agreeable to this so do not force it on your wife as she will be tense and that will cause her pain; if you love her you would not seek to shame her or cause her pain.”

On the other hand, if you don’t love her…

For further guidance, Mark Driscoll advises readers to visit a website called…

… wait for it… wait for it…

… Christian Nymphos!

Folks, you just can’t make this stuff up.

Jesus: "What hair product do you use?" Elvis: "That's a secret. But I will say this... I'm digging your sport coat... "

Baptist "minister" Matt Baker, who had a history of predatory behavior dating back to his Sunday school days, murdered his wife so he could continue an affair and avoid a messy divorce.

There is nothing funny about Matt Baker. His sheer vileness is so beyond the pale that we believe he needs as much negative publicity as possible. Not only did “Pastor” Matt murder his wife so he could continue an affair with one of his church members, but he had a notorious history of abusing women dating back to his time at Baylor University, and the “Christians” who knew about it routinely covered it up!

At the time of the murder, Matt and his wife, Kari, were separated, but Kari naively believed her husband wanted to work things out, as did she (inexplicably). His mistress, Vanessa Bulls, said Baker decided to kill his wife on a night Kari was trying to “spice up” their struggling marriage.

His method? He emptied the casings of sexual enhancement drugs his wife was going to take for their evening of romance and refilled them with Ambien. In other words she over-dosed on pills that she hoped might enhance their sex life and help mend the marriage. What a scumbag.

Fortunately the mistress came to her senses and turned on this bastard. Her testimony was the state’s key evidence in convicting him.

Rot in hell, Matt Baker… rot in hell.

Where’s a gong when you need one? Seriously. With a voice like that, who needs a secret bio-weapons program?

And what’s up with these phony baloney “prosperity” preachers and their blonde, Barbie Doll trophy wives? For Tilton, this is number three! Can we assume the third one is the charm (if you can call THAT singing “charming”)?

Lastly, at this point, anyone stupid enough to continue sending this carnival barker money deserves to be bilked out of every last dime they own… NO sympathy from us!

Now, can we send Maria to Afghanistan with a bullhorn and expedite a quick solution to that conflict? (Surrender now, or we have her “minister in song” again… you got that? We’re not kiddin’ around here!)

That just might be the best answer to the “war on terror” yet…

From Webster's Dictionary: Harmonic Wealth- The financial gain of guys like James Arthur Ray when granola eating, New Age dupes with too much money and time on their hands buy their books.

In an October 21, 2009 AP article, Texas resident Beverley Bunn, a participant, described her account thus:

“By the time the sweat lodge ceremony began, the participants had undergone days of physically and mentally strenuous events that included fasting. In one game, guru James Arthur Ray even played God. Within an hour of entering the sweat lodge, people began vomiting, gasping for air and collapsing.”

In case you’re wondering what sort of people would cough up $10,000 to be deprived of food, left out in the desert with just a sleeping bag, then be crammed inside a pitch-black, 415-square-foot “sweat lodge” with dozens of strangers for two-and-a-half hours, it’s those folks with the “coexist” bumper sticker on the back of their Prius who are way too smart to gather in a nice, air-conditioned building to worship God for FREE once a week!

Ray may not identify himself or his teachings as “christian” per se, but his brand of New Age hokum borrows liberally from all faiths that suit his financial ambitions, and since his con reached a level that would make Robert Tilton proud, he has more than earned his rightful place in the pantheon of “bad christians.”

Luckily for Ray, a prison cell has much better lighting and ventilation than a “sweat lodge.”

For more on Ray’s legal woes, click here.

The title of this video is God Sent the Shooter. In the video, Pastor Fred Phelps (who loves dick, by the way… big time!) makes the case that God was behind all the recent shootings (Fort Hood, Virginia Tech, Columbine, etc.) because… you guessed it… God hates fags!

The video raises many interesting questions, not the least of which are:

1. What’s the name of that song in the background?

2. Will the pastor who pulled a gun on his son be able to call Pastor Phelps as a character witness during his trial?

3. What size dildo does Pastor Phelps prefer to shove up his keister?